Christopher Rush

I like to put sticky-backed price tags on rare comic book covers and paperback covers and all over jewel cases of compact discs (despite the fact thieves of this generation have no desire to purloin them).  After all, why wouldn’t you, the consumer, want something as large and destructive as a sticky price tag defacing the value and diminishing your enjoyment of the product you want to own and I don’t care about?  That just doesn’t make sense.

Oh, you have five boxes of goods, rare vinyl albums, pristine books, compact discs, and digital video discs?  That’s swell.  We can give you either four dollars and eighty-six cents in cash or $117 in our special trade-in Storebucks™ (not valid on new releases, quality merchandise, Blu-ray discs, or items you’re looking for).  Don’t let the fact we will be selling one of the paperbacks in box number three for over $8 by itself bother you.  We pamper every customer with such royal treatment.

Speaking of which, you are probably wondering where the restrooms are.  Fortunately, we removed three of the bathrooms to make more room for the Harlequin Romance section expansion (the fifteen bookcases’ worth we had before, frankly, was not enough).  Thus, due to the daily frequency of customers requiring use of such facilities averaging only about five hundred and twenty per hour, we decided to limit our capacity to one sole multi-gender bathroom, enabling customers to socialize and enjoy each other’s company in meaningful, life-affirming ways while showing each generation how to wait patiently in a line.  That’s what book stores are all about, right?

On your left, you’ll see our Items We’re Really Proud Of sections, cases A through WW.  In those sections we have randomly assigned prices to various albums, books, concert videos, and miscellaneous items.  Basically, we don’t want you to buy any of those items.  Yes, you will find albums from the same band in our Items We’re Fine With You Buying sections on the right-hand side of the store, with mildly decent prices ranging for ninety-nine cents to four dollars and ninety-nine cents, but the albums by them in the Items We’re Really Proud Of sections typically cost anywhere between eight dollars and ninety-nine cents and the GDP of Uruguay.  I can’t really explain to you the thought process behind which albums get placed in which sections, but I can go ask my shift manager if you want?  He should be done playing this round of Magic: the Gathering in a little under a fortnight?  No?  Okydoky.  If you have further questions later, please feel free to contact Customer Service, conveniently located in the foothills of the Himalayas.  No phone.

Next to that is our Vinyl Collection: the ones no one wants are four dollars apiece.  The Contemporary Reprints of Classic Rock Albums You Might Want are only thirty dollars each, though there is a non-refundable cover charge of sixteen fifty if you want to browse through them.  Original Vinyl Albums are located in the Don’t Even Think You Can Afford These annex at our downtown branch.

Oh, and books by that author you are interested in are scattered higgledy-piggledy throughout the store.  The books you already have (including the ones you special ordered from the UK last week) are located in our Buy 1 Get 7 Free section awkwardly located between the Wicca shelves and the Gentlemen’s Club shelves (you can’t miss them, they’re right next to the Children’s Books and Play Area).  The two books you are missing are available in hardcover large print versions (so they won’t match your set) under lock and key in the glass display cases toward the Local Interest Yet Reeking of Desperation twirly racks at the front of the store.  They are only available for sale two weeks ago last Thursday. We were selling them for six hundred dollars for one, or both for a special fifteen hundred dollar companion sale.  We are going to sell them again the day after you move to a different town.  Possibly there may be mass market editions in our Vaguely Alphabetical by Author And/Or Series shelves toward the middle of the store.  We monitor the accuracy of the alphabetical shelving every time a new Pope is elected.  So any day now, yes.

If you are interested in applying for a job here, we have applications located on the back bulletin board next to the flyers for the Shabbily-Dressed Buskers Convention at the Learning Annex from two years ago (it was a good time, sorry you missed it) and hiding under the Babysitting by Druselda the Goth Clown Slash Tattoo Artist (no, not the symbol “/” the actual word, yes) flyers.  Part 1 is the “Do You Know Less About Books Not By Your Professors Than, Say, A Turnip?” questionnaire.  That weeds out the brainy types who have actually read books and thus can comment about the selections we have for sale.  Sometimes customers are offended by people who know what’s actually in some books.  Part 2 is the “Can You Come In Every Day You Aren’t Scheduled?” survey.

We do have a water fountain, yes.  It’s located next to the Manga You Don’t Want section in the basement.  You have to go up to the second floor and use the down staircase adjacent to the Manga You Are Interested In Trying But We’re Missing the First and Last Volumes shelves.

Some board games are located in the Basically Like Risk, Yes corner below the All Things Potter Shrine.  It’s mostly versions of Munchkin, I hope that’s what you wanted.  We do have some inappropriate for children and dictionary-definition “mature” adults “party” games as well.  There may be some other games Various Social Media Personalities and Target told us to get.  Conveniently for you, we are offering them at 20% above MSRP.  Additionally, we have some used games for sale located in a plastic crate under the drinking fountain.  Just like you do with your games at home, we have sealed them up tightly with packing tape so you can’t check to see if all the pieces are included before buying it.  Similarly with our gigantic price tag stickers, any attempt to remove the tape will end up removing anything printed on the covers.  Prices were taken from eBay searches by someone who has never played any board games and thought the game was close enough to the most expensive thing he could find while searching for random items.

Now that you have made your purchase, let me tell you about our Loyal Customer Reward Program that would have helped you had you enrolled before your purchase.  For every $100 you spend, you are entered once in a monthly raffle for a $2 Off A Purchase Of $50 Or More coupon.  Purchase totals do not expire until the end of the month.  Also on the back of your receipt is a survey opportunity: if you enter the thirty-two digit passcode within the next forty-five minutes, you will be directed to a simple survey about your experiences today, should take you no more than three hours to complete.  At the end, it will send you a link to a non-printable coupon for seventy-five cents off your purchase at the fast food restaurant next door that went out of business last month.

Sadly, no, we don’t accept returns or offer refunds: our receipts are printed with special disappearing ink so all written proof of your visit here vanishes as soon as you leave the store.

Thanks for shopping with us!  Have a nice day!