Alice Minium

The 2010 Summit Christian Academy Retreat Variety Show was quite the jewel this year.  We were treated to an exotic buffet of talents performed, obsessions on display, and stereotypical egofests.  The Variety Show is Summit at its finest.  Upon careful examination, one may have realized that each act this year was highly representative of a vital truth that makes up the core of who Summit is, what Summit is good at, what Summit’s strengths are, and what Summit genuinely loves.

The first act was a skit by Mrs. Cochrane’s French classes.  French is inarguably one of the most beautiful, romantic-sounding languages in the world, and the ability to speak French just emanates the impression of enviable amounts of class.  Not only were they speaking French, but they were speaking it well, and the beautiful language brought a classy finish to even trashy things like Jessica Alba.  In the words of J. D. Salinger’s Holden Caulfield, “It’s funny, all you have to do is say something nobody understands and they’ll do practically anything you want them to.”  Summit is a big fan of this.  Even if these students cannot remember most of the French they learned in high school, five or ten years down the road they will most definitely always remember at least one sentence.  All they have to do is say that one sentence, followed by, “Yeah, I took French, no big deal,” and their companions will be deeply impressed, thinking, wow, I wish I was that cool.  This is the first pillar of Summit Christian Academy: Sounding smart and saying things nobody understands.

Our next performance was a real gem.  Eighth-graders Jessica Gromley and Erika Tamayo put their whole hearts into their performance of the song “Paper Heart,” but nature had to interfere as the sound equipment shrieked and faded out within the first 60 seconds of the song.  The poor girls kept smiles on their faces despite the fact that this happened at least four more times throughout the performance.  This act was a beautiful example of the second pillar of Summit Christian Academy: Messing up simple sound equipment.

The Variety Show took a much more laidback direction with a comedic performance by Kenny Moates.  His imitations of various characters from popular culture were punctuated by cleverly calculated silences for him to smile wryly and the audience to applaud for the young buck.  As his act went on, he progressively retreated farther and farther into the right corner of the stage, where he stayed fixed for the rest of his act.  This is something many sects of Summit kids characteristically love, and it is most definitely one of the prized pillars of Summit: Retreating to corners.

The fourth act was an impressive song and dance routine by eighth graders Chalise, Skylar, Schuyler, Amber, and Ellie.  Unlike some acts that evening, it was obvious the girls had practiced.  This is always refreshing.  Their young enthusiasm and unbreakable confidence is something all older students can miss, so these girls were an animated example of another pillar that young Summit loves: Girl Power.

Next was Daniel Blanton.  He refined each joke with his Blantonesque charm, but he was yet another example of a classic pastime Summit students adore, and our fifth pillar: Recycling jokes.

The act of most significance was the Funny Walk.  A tradition originating last year with Seraphim Hamilton, Sarah Haywood, and Alice Minium, it was resurrected at the Variety Show of 2010 and hopefully will return again even in their absence next year.  This year Renard Grice was the central focus of the Walk, as the three experienced seniors Funnywalked around him until the performance crescendoed to a sudden halt.

The Funny Walk is not just one thing.  The Funny Walk is breaking free from social, religious, and political boundaries.  The Funny Walk is forty-nine seconds of your life that you spend without an ounce of shame.  The Funny Walk is immortality.  The Funny Walk is bliss.  The Funny Walk is who you really are, not who you feel like you should be.  The Funny Walk is candy to a hungry soul that has only eaten vegetables for fifteen years.  The Funny Walk is the sixth and most fundamental pillar of Summit Christian Academy: Revolution.

The seventh act involved David Lane, Matthew Mouring, and Samuel Arthur performing some indescribable contortion act….  The seventh pillar of Summit is a key one as well: Socially alienating ourselves by weird behavior.

Sophomores Manny and Connor performed some skit with brooms up their shirts and toothbrushes being thrown across the stage….  Bottom line is, their skit on wily thievery is a glorious example of Summit’s eighth pillar: Kleptomania.

Seniors Devan, Seraphim, and Graham serenaded the crowd with an a cappella rendition of the Star Wars theme.  This act was highly praised by critics abroad and is available on video upon request.  Summit’s ninth pillar is Extensive knowledge of nerdy cinema and literature.

Perhaps the most moving act of the night was the Class of 2011’s performance of Matisyahu’s “One Day.”  Everyone linked arms and the crowd swayed to the music, caught up in the aura of love and unity.  The tenth pillar of Summit Christian Academy is Being Jewish.

Penultimately, the junior boys tripped everybody out with black lights, glow sticks, techno music, and outrageous dancing.  We saw something like this last year with the Class of 2010’s young men’s performance.  Although it will always be hard to measure up to last year’s black light show, the music and flashing lights still almost gave everybody a seizure.  Summit’s eleventh pillar is Idolizing and imitating the alumni.

Brand new ninth-grader Emily Bradfield’s melodic and strikingly strong voice gave chills to the audience.  Her beautiful final act was one of genuine talent.  The twelfth and final pillar of Summit Christian Academy is Child prodigies that materialize out of nowhere.

The talents we pursue say so much about who we are and what we value.  As a school, Summit is many things, but ultimately it is uniform in so many ways.  No matter the differences of our talents, these twelve core truths apply to us all.  Remember these pillars, remember this Variety Show, and remember that there could always be some deeper life truth hidden in the disguise of a squeaky microphone or a child with a toothbrush in his pants.

Special thanks to Mr. Fahringer for not only organizing the Variety Show but also providing this list of acts to the author.  Your extra work is much appreciated.